I'm Woefully behind here - here are two posts crammed together

I don't think anyone reads this one anyway.

Here's my fake wikipedia entry.

Stephen Jerome Miller (b. August 26, 1969) is an American consultant, playwright, and pathological mountebank. He is best known for his unsolicited opinion and his mixture of intellectual snobbery and inappropriately puerile behavior. Movie critic David Almeida once observed, “He is like Sophia Petrillo [of the television show The Golden Girls], whatever he thinks, comes out of his mouth.”

Early Life
Stephen Miller was born to James “Jimbo” Richard Miller and Ruth Evigan Roberts Miller in Creston, Iowa. His family being of Irish Catholic origin, Stephen was one of 118 kids, most of whom were given up to scientific experimentation or chopped up into livestock feed. This left a core of seven children. Commenting on Stephen as a son, his father Jimbo later regretted possibly “killing one of the good ones leaving me with this one for a son.”

Stephen’s father was a Mechanical X-Ray Technician with Wellman Dynamic, a drunk, and a professional child abuser. Stephen’s mother was mostly a housewife, having retired from school teaching and piano lessons when she had her first dozen children and acquired a drug problem compounded with copious chasers of whatever alcohol she could get her hands on.

When Stephen was eight, his mother died of creative medication, leaving his father to marry one of his seventeen mistresses. Jimbo Miller came to marry Wynette Wiona Hurd McFee Shinkle Shinkle (she’d previously married the same loser twice). For this, Jimbo was excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Wynette (“Nette” – pronounced “Nettie” but emphatically NOT spelled that way) had a love of Halloween, a hatred of organized religion, and a mental problem later diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia. Also, she drank – a lot. She had many careers as a stripper, pet-store owner, prostitute, pot dealer, and welfare mother, but spent her marriage with Jimbo being a slave-driver and torturer of his seven children and her previous four children from her three other marriages to two other guys.

Of his relationship with his step-mother, Stephen commented, “She had a loathing of me so intense; it would make the surface of the sun seem like a warm towel.”

Of child-rearing, Nette Miller often stated, “I fucking hate children; I only keep you around for the extra government cheese!”

Early careers including a paper route in Iowa winters, cleaning up hair from beauty salon floors, janitorial work, and a particularly nightmarish stint at the local gummi bear factory.

Because of his rough childhood, Stephen experimented with several degenerate and depraved activities, including underage sex, theft, drug use, drinking, homosexuality, masturbation, suicide attempts, and community theatre. Finally, Stephen followed in the footsteps of his seven older siblings and step-siblings and ran away from home at fourteen. Unlike the other children, however, Stephen made sure his dad broke a couple bones before Stephen turned Jimbo and Nette into the state. Stephen spent the rest of his years in Creston under the care of John and Ann Coulter, two of the best foster parents in the world.

Through it all, Stephen maintained excellent grades, as well as the ability to bullshit teachers and garner undeserved pity from the entire town. He graduated from Creston High School in the top 4% of his class. During this time, Stephen wrote his first two plays – Another One of Those Days and Say “Go!” – both of which will never see the light of day. He was also in Inherit the Wind, Cinderella, Harvey, Calamity Jane and many other community theatre/Midwestern high school productions (read: “substandard”).

College Life
Stephen attended and graduated the tiny, miniscule Graceland College (now Graceland University) in Lamoni, Iowa (a college sponsored by a religion whose primary tenant is “spoil your children rotten.”) He earned bachelor’s degrees in communications and theatre.

At college, Stephen furthered his experimentations with inappropriate sex, drugs, and alcohol (having given up the habit of suicide for the much easier and stylish, occasional malaise.) While in college, Stephen traveled the US and Europe, settling for internships in Nauvoo, Illinois; Kirtland, Ohio; Des Moines, Iowa; and Venice, Italy. Because of his travel and because of partially paying for college through several performance grants (theatre, music, and speech), Stephen took five years and 218 credits to graduate.

During his undergraduate time, Stephen bullshat his way through coursework while writing several plays – including Dog on a Treadmill, A Midwestern Shoah, Heirlooms (the one-act version), Emma’s Point, and Interview with the Author at Home. A Midwestern Shoah received a Mid-America Collegiate Arts Recognition, and in 1993, Stephen was given the David T. Morgan Writing Award. Stephen’s best writing of this period was created under the influence of mushrooms he found in wet cow dung in fields behind an abandoned Hungarian immigrant cemetery.

Of his academic career, Drama Professor Gary Heisserrer stated, “What, are you still here?!?!”

His Music Professor, Thomas Hart, refused to comment. Instead, he turned a deep shade of scarlet and threw his baton several times.

Another unnamed college professor, asked, “Can you still score me some of them ‘shrooms?”

Several unnamed fellow college students – both men and women – commented, “Surprisingly good lay if you got him stoned first.”

Early Career
After graduating, Stephen promptly left Iowa and its shitty winters to move to Orlando, Florida, where he spent the first two months sleeping on some lesbian couple’s enclosed porch (called a “Florida Room”). During his first 15 months in Orlando, Stephen got fired or quit five jobs.

The lesbians he lived with and many of his old bosses had the same comment about Stephen: “GET OUT!!!”

Stephen’s most frustrating job was as a speech therapist for severely handicapped people; he quit when he found out that none of the clients ever really learned anything, and he was just there to fulfill a state requirement that a speech therapist be on hand. He lied to the handicapped people – saying he would visit them often – before he left forever (this lie still haunts him to this day.)

None of Stephen’s clients were able to comment for this biography, which shows what a good job he did as a speech therapist.

Finally, completely humiliated and hopeless, Stephen quit taking drugs and accepted a job as a Kelly Girl for Lockheed Martin. It took two weeks to get noticed and bumped up to a more lucrative contract position. It took another 2 years under the most misguided, unskilled boss Stephen’s ever known to be hired on full-time into a job he pretty much-well hated supervising several people who also hated their work. For some reason, Stephen and his staff of four were able to shape the job a bit, so Stephen got more time teaching and building instructions and new programs in new employee orientation, training and certification, and job skills. Also, he was wildly popular with his employees.

One-time employee Susan Lobb states of Stephen as a supervisor: “Well, we loved him then, but we sure hate his fucking guts now. If I met him on the street today, I’d beat him with a pillowcase of old doorknobs!”

Medical Trouble and Emerging Writings
Stephen was diagnosed with cancer of the nose and throat in April 1996. The doctors were very scared and did surgery and chemo at the same time, leaving Stephen sick for weeks. Stephen went to a support group for help, where he met other cancer strugglers and promptly realized he was being a whiny baby and left deeply ashamed and embarrassed. Stephen has had a couple scares, but no recurrence from the initial cancer.

When asked about Stephen, his fellow support group people all laughed and chanted, “What a pussy! What a pussy! What a pussy!” repeatedly.

Asked at the time about Stephen’s brush with death, his best friend Cathy Thompson paused and then replied, “When people hear Stephen might die, they have very strong, emotional reactions.” Then, she went back to making more streamers and blowing up a few more balloons.

Stephen was in two serious car accidents – one in 1994 and one in 1997, both of which damaged his right shoulder. In 1998, his injuries were further exacerbated when Stephen fell changing a light bulb in his small bathroom and hit his shoulder on the toilet on the way down. Stephen put off shoulder surgery until 2003, and now regrets living that long with the pain, since the operation was a cake walk.

His shoulder doctor repeated what the cancer people said earlier of Stephen: “What a pussy!”

From 1993 to 1997, Stephen’s play A Midwestern Shoah was performed several times all over, and Dog on a Treadmill was performed in Iowa, Ohio, and Texas. His one-act version of Heirlooms was also performed in Hampstead Heath, England and Toronto, Canada, to reviews of soft and middling praise. He also performed in The Boys Next Door, Assassins (the first time), You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown, and the opera La Giaconda (which – after 7 months of vocal training – made him realize he sucked as a singer, though the reviewers were either totally deaf or exceedingly kind.)

Stephen’s vocal teacher, Chris Fecteau, said of Stephen’s talent, “Just the mention of his name makes my eardrums bleed.”

Other performances include a modern-dance-and-movement adaptation of Moby Dick which got rave reviews (this is not BS – Orlando Sentinel reviewer Roger Moore said, “You can practically smell the brine.” And the headline said “Theatre Downtown Nails this Whale Tale.”) Finally, he was in a couple one-acts written by James Best (best known as the caricature of Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltrane from the television series The Dukes of Hazzard).

Of this production, Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin stated, “It’s amazing such talent is stuck performing such dreck. If they owed someone a huge favor, then this is more than repayment.”

Later Playwrighting
From 1996 to 2001, Stephen took a second job reviewing movies for several online sites. During this time, his friend David Almeida was the reviewer for the gay publication Watermark. In 1997 alone, they saw 108 movies together, including two of the worst travesties ever committed to celluloid, Sphere and Afterglow.

Because of their experience in theatre as well as critiquing films, Stephen and David started writing plays together. They first wrote the gay comedy Leaving Neverland, which played to sold-out audiences in Tallahassee and Orlando. Their drama about domestic terrorism, Sons of the Revolution, has 12 cast members playing 28 roles, so it has never been produced (though it’s had an excellent workshop and got pretty close to production once and everyone who reads it swears they love it. Really!)

Of Leaving Neverland, Orlando Weekly reviewer Bobbie Bell stated, “There’s no mistaking the warmth and affection these characters have for each other.” Conversely, Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin wrote: “There’s not one moment – much less one nanosecond – of truth.”

In 2003, Stephen and David both got cast in Assassins (Stephen’s second production) where the budget for the entire show was exactly $1.98. The director was inexperienced, so Stephen taught him directing, and Stephen and David ended up actually choreographing (shudder!) However, in this production, legendary friendships were formed between Stephen and Ryan Cimono, Sarah French, Kim Grey, Randy Jacobs, Steve MacKinnon, Mattie McDermid, Justin Sargent, Marcie Schwalm, and Larry Stalling.

Of this abysmal production with such a talented cast, Stephen says, “We’re like war buddies.”

Of working with Steve, LA actress Sarah French encouragingly states, “If he keeps looking, he’s bound to find something he’s good at.”

To which David Almeida replies, “Please, don’t encourage him, dear!”

“He puts the ‘ham’ in ‘sham’,” states fellow actor and Greater Orlando Area Theatre co-founder Larry Stalling.

At the mention of Stephen’s name, fellow actress Marcie Schwalm just gets a panicked look on her face and excuses herself to go feed her 18 cats.

Also, in 2003, Stephen and David started writing for the Orlando International Fringe Festival. Their 2003 entry, the musical My Big Fat Gay Wedding, was a huge hit despite some nasty reviews. The next year, their spoof musical Whipping Wally Wonker also was a huge hit, but this time with better reviews. In 2006, Stephen and David performed as husband and wife in the very popular common-man-becomes-superhero comedy Orlando Vigilante (by their Assassins cohorts Marcie Schwalm and Larry Stalling).

Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin wrote: “Orlando Vigilante is really no more than extended sketch-comedy (think Saturday Night Live on steroids). But there's something very funny about the idea -- and especially about the cast.”

Stephen has belonged to Playwrights Roundtable of Central Florida for 6 years, where he has submitted several short plays that have been performed. He also submitted Intermission, directed by off-Broadway director Chris Jorie and starring Anne Hering. Because a certain actor screwed up his lines throughout opening night, the Orlando Sentinel review was the worst Stephen’s ever gotten. However, the four OTHER reviews – after the actor buckled down and learned his lines - were some of the best Stephen’s ever gotten.

Ink19 reviewer Carl Gauze wrote, “A sharp and clever script comes to life with a top cast.” Orlando Weekly reviewer Steve Schneider stated: “For such a simple setting, the play is beautifully complex.” TalkingBroadway stated: “The dialogue is orgasmic and the three actors performing it are even more so, superbly directed by Chris Jorie.”

Stephen also earned a master’s in communications during this period of his life, which was so easy, he’s embarrassed to this day to even discuss it.

Today
In 2001, Stephen was hired by the small consulting firm De La Porte & Associates as a consultant liaison, with most of his work for Lockheed Martin. In this capacity, he assesses leaders, designs and audits and teaches classes, and provides day-to-day insight and coaching to employees. After six years of building Lockheed’s mentoring program and running and supporting their leadership development program, Stephen is currently being pushed out the door by a combination of company politics, budget cuts, and pure happenstance. Several people are crying and wringing their hands, but nobody’s stopping it from happening. Stephen will be jobless July 31st.

Over the past few years, Stephen has had literally hundreds of script ideas that never made it to fruition. However, he has recently finished an adaptation of the Willa Cather novel My Antonia. He has also worked with David Almeida to finish the one-act Acting Out. He is in the middle of writing several other scripts, which he fully assumes – however wrong-headed – he’ll actually finish.

Recently, besides several more small productions in Orlando, Stephen has had his short plays performed in South Carolina, Ohio, Iowa, west Florida, and Albuquerque.

Of Steve Miller’s legacy, people throughout the years have said “Man, I love your band; ride on, Space Cowboy!” thinking it’s funny.

Stephen has consistently responded by punching them in the trachea.

And then a History of Schmacko Survey

Sorry, some missing, deleted by others:
BASICS:
01. Raised in: Creston, Iowa
02. Planned baby: Planned until they got me, and then they spent the next few years looking for the receipt to return me for a refund
03. Birth date: August 26, 1969
04. Any siblings: Jesus, tons – two stepbrothers, a stepsister, a half-sister, four brothers, and two sisters.
05. Younger or older: Both – I’m fourth from the bottom.
06. Hair color: Flesh, and what else is there is brown
07. hair length: short
08. Hair style now?: Resigned
09. Eye color: Autumn sage
10. Shoe size: 11
11. Mood: A little panicky and wishing I could sleep
12. Smell: Like white pepper oil and a little soap
13. Height: 5’10”
14. Lefty/righty:Depends ;-)
LOVE LIFE:
01. Do you remember your first real relationship: Unfortunately02. Do you believe in love: Do you believe shameAnd if love can conquer allThen why do we still feel the pain(Sorry, it’s a Duran Duran lyric, couldn’t stop myself)
04. Shortest real relationship: As long as it took for me to cash the check
05. Have you ever been heartbroken: Kinda sorta – knew it was coming, but it still hurt a bit
09. Are you afraid of commitment: I figure at some point I will be committed, so why worry about it
10. You ever had a secret admirer: Yep, poor girl
11. Do you believe in love at first sight: Not really. I believe in lust and attraction, but not “marriage of true minds” love at first sight
12. Ever been in love: Not sure, sadly, and I’m sure I’ve lost my opportunity, so I focus on other things, completely
THIS OR THAT:
01. Love or money: Money
02. Hard liquor or beer: Hard liquor
03. One night stands or relationships: What’s the difference?
04. Television or internet: Internet
05. Pepsi or coke: Dr. Pepper
06. Wild night out or romantic night: Which one involves a certified check?
07. Colored or black and white pictures: Depends on the subject matter
08. Phone or in person: In person!
09. Aim or myspace im? MySpace
HAVE YOU EVER:
01.Been to jail/juvi? Yep, but the charged were expunged!
02.Been caught sneaking out? Nope, very sneaky
03. Have you ever done something you regret? Like this quiz?
04. Have you ever bungee jumped? Nope
05. Have you ever been on a house boat? Kinda – Tommy Mangieri’s uncle lived on a boat in the St. Augustine marina
06. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? Yup
07. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? Yes, I have, and I have the scars to prove it!
08. Have you ever been streaking? Yes, I did go to college, Alex
09. Have you ever ran away? Yep, once they didn’t notice I was gone, the second time they encouraged it for the summer, and the third time I was stopped before I did something drastic, but I left for good.
RIGHT NOW: 01. Are you missing someone right now? Yes
03. Are you talking to anyone right now? Nope
04. Are you bored right now? Wishing I were tire, more like.
05. Are you German? A smidge somewhere
06. Are you Irish? HELL YEAH! VERY MUCH SO!!!
07. Are you French? Nope
08. Are you Italian? I wish I had a little in me, but no.
09. Are you black? Only in mood
10. Are you Norwegian? No, should I be?
11. Are your parents still married? My parents are plant food
12. What's your greatest joy in life? I’m kinda trying to remake it now. I love my playwrighting, I love my friends, I used to love my job…
OTHER:
01. Best friends: David, Cathy, Susan
02. What do you do when you're together? Eat, go to movies, watch something Tivod. Susan and I cook or discuss books
03. Share the same interests? Mostly
04. Which friend can you tell everything to? Jesus
05. Do you have a low self esteem? Right now, yes, and I hate it, because it’s miserable. I logically KNOW I am very good at my job, but losing this job kinda put a dent in my shine
06. Do you get depressed about things easily? On occassion
07. Do you live life to the fullest? Doesn’t spending precious time filling out this survey tell you so?
08. Are you comfortable with the way you look? No, but it could be worse
09. Are you scared of growing up old and alone? Absolutely not – it’s probably going to happen to me, and I’ve grown accustomed to the idea very fondly
10. What do you want to be when you grow up? I would love to be a playwright and a mentor with a giant kitchen my friends and family and I could cook in. I had a dream that I’d be brave enough and self-assured enough and rich enough to be a foster parent to gay teens, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
11. Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? Indoors
12. Favorite season? Autumn
13. Do you like walking in the rain? Only if it’s planned
14. Are you a vegetarian? Nope

5 Things from Scott(ie)

My new source in what to write, people, Scott(ie) Campbell!:

Recently, Scott(ie) published a bulletin board item where he encouraged us all to post 5 things to specific people – not say who they were – but just put them out there.

1) This one is for four of you: You know why I love you? Because you are a "yes, and" person all the way through – it's a rule in improve where you never negate a person or their ideas, you add to it. You do it very well, and it makes people around you feel fantastic and just simply love being with you. Every time I'm having a long talk with you, I seriously want to hug you.

2) This one if for three of you (one of you knows who you are): I know I sometimes start on inappropriate tracks of talking. I cannot stop myself, and I cannot find the DELETE, REWIND or RESET buttons, so I just plow on like an idiot. I'm sorry you had to put up with that.

3) This one is for two of you, one WAAAY more than the other: You know, keeping your mouth shut and acting gracious to people isn't the problem; you do that VERY well. Having a shittyfuckingsuckass attitude that silently judges the entire world and ALWAYS finds it wanting is. Who made you the Flaw-o-meter, anyway!?!?! I applaud your graciousness (except one of you does talk behind others' backs, which is cowardly). But now I'd challenge you to be more than gracious and actually start LIKING this fucking world – looking for the positives instead on dwelling on the crap - instead of finding all of existence a pile of stinking dog poo that poor widdle ol' you has to put up with!

4) This one is for three of you: You know, I genuinely love spending time with you. You're like a piece of modern music that I at first found intriguing and a little strange. But you stuck to without changing who you are, and now I think you're one of the coolest people I know. One of my great pleasures being in groups with you is showing others the cool things I see in you.

5) This is for one of you: what's a really suave, memorable way to tell someone you have a harmless crush? Whatever it is, pretend I just said this to you. God, you have sexy eyebrows! (See, that IS NOT the suave thing to say; that's why I depend on you!)

Quizzes from Scott(ie) and Brian

The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself (from Scott(ie):

1. What ended your last relationship?
A secret that should never be kept from someone you’re having sex with

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Oh, it was for that Burmese porno filmed in daguerreotype, so….1916, I think.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Brewing coffee so I could get through the class I taught today at Lockheed Martin

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Laughing through the tears

5. Are you any good at math?
I am VERY good at knowing how to do the basic statistical stuff, (+,-,*, /, avg. mean, ratios, percentages, rolling averages, trending) but I let calculators do all the actual work.

6. What were you doing last night?
Watching the Tivo’d Top Chef smack-down with Cathy

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
I was told that we are related to Dolly Madison, no proof, and I have an unnamed D-List actor who is my second cousin

8. Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex?
Yup!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?
Yup

10. Last thing you received in the mail?
A letter from Bug Theatre telling me they were considering doing a play of mine

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
types – 4 – coffee (2 cups), water (4 cups), one can of Vanilla Coke Zero, and two cans of Fresca

12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
Weight

13. Last thing you ate
A salad with some oriental ginger dressing I made

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, should I?

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
I HATE ALL DENTAL PROCEDURES – I demand Valium!!!

16. What is outside your back door?
My recycling bins, my trash can, a door mat, a wet rug drying, and a perverted hobo hoping to see my man-nips

17. Any plans for Friday night?
Fantastic Four – I feel so deeply ashamed that Chris Evans fascinates me. If I were that good looking, I’d walk around naked and people would applaud.

18. When's your birthday?
August 26, 1969

19. Do you have a secret crush?
I think I don’t develop big crushes, just lots of little ones – if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance I’ve had one on you – nothing serious

20. Do you keep in touch with your exes?
Unfortunately, it’s because they cannot afford therapy…

21. Do you dislike anyone right now?
Not really

22. Something you are excited about?
See #10

23. What is your favorite kind of Jello?
I LOVE lime with tropical fruit cocktail

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
They killed themselves in an 8-way suicide pact after killing their kids and grandkids in a cult-like poisoned sausage party. We great grandkids escaped!

25. Describe your key chain?
Home key, 5 office keys, car key, and a Borders tag Cathy gave me.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large crowd?
This morning - 18

28. What kind of winter coats do you have?
Black leather “letter” jacket from my company – it’s pretty cool

29. What annoys you the most?
Needy people

30. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?
I do macramé that way

SCHMACKO-OLOGY (From Brian)

MOUTH-OLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Usually a ginger vinaigrette or berry vinaigrette

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Boston Market – if it has a drive-up window, it’s fast food, I say!!!

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. The California atop The Contemporary - serious, never had a bad meal there

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. About the size of a dime, but it’s a penny

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Seafood

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. White pizza with mushrooms, ricotta, pesto, and chicken

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Just butter

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Barbara Walters drinking a Colt 45 in a two-piece bikini on a cheetah-skin rug

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. 2

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Mostly right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. My soul

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Is this a sexual question?

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. My foot

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Several times, actually, but not recently

BULLCRAPOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Long John Thunderpants

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Autumn heliotrope

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. God, yes, I am still waiting to get my bicycle chain back out!

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A: Nope

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Actually, yes, my grandma did

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. That’s actually a little more than my usual going rate, so yes

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000
A. If it was my left hand and I was unconscious for it, yes

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. I’d never blog again for 50 dollars. (Have to agree with Todd and Brian)

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yep

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Yep

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a humans life for $1,000,000?
A. Absolutely not!

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. A crumpled up receipt, some change, and several dried sea monkeys

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. As a film, no – as a character, he’s hilarious.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. hard wood

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. What am I? 80? I stand!

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. Nada

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: August 8, 2006

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Drunk

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8
A: David Almeida

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to?
A: Cathy

Q: Last person who called u?
A: Cathy

Q: Person you hugged?
A: Gina Battle at work – my clients LOVE me

Q: Person you kissed?
A: My Schweetie Peets (the cat)

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: Infinity

Q: Season?
A: Early Late Mid Autumn

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: I LOVE Brian’s answer – “but my aim is improving” – But really, I miss Sarah

Q: Mood?
A: Quixotic

Q: Listening to?
A: Bjork’s Vespertine

Q: Watching?
A. Nothing

Q: Worrying about?
A: Getting a job

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: In the toilet

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Have a play of mine performed

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A: Actually, Pirates of the Caribbean

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Only online

A Long, Boring Mash Note to Apathy

You don’t really want to read this. It’s so fucking emo, it sounds like The Smiths wrote songs for the Office.

I think I scared one of my dear friends last night.

I certainly didn’t mean to.

She was worried about me being depressed.

A little tangent: I passed by the Methodist Church on Orlando Avenue Sunday morning. I also passed the field the church fills with pumpkins for sale every Fall. I thought to myself, “By the time there are pumpkins in that field, my life will have totally changed.” It was sad and scary thought, and a bit melodramatic; everyone’s life changes a little each day, fer Christ’s sake! Who gave me the corner on self-flagellating misery? I’m just feeling mopey, and I admit I am enjoying being self-destructive a little.

This is what scared her. This is where my friends all tell me I’ll survive, that things will be fine. I figure they will or they won’t, and right now I can’t bring myself to care one bit. I could either carve up my arms with self-cutting or shoot sunshine out of my man-nips and it wouldn’t matter. This is my Deep Apathy period; it’s a phase, that’s all. Things’ll probably change, yes, for the better or for the worse is another question, and I am OK with not caring for a little while. I am ENJOYING not caring. I am dead-sick of thinking that every single waking moment (including insomnia) that I am not actively panicking and working my ass off over opportunities grabbed or missed is life-or-death; my soul needs a break from my fucking head.

I think when you’re life is going through significant change, you have to allow yourself to feel depressed, angry, or whatever for a while. You have to allow youself – be brave enough to publish – drippy and crappy whine-filled blogs. Even self-destructive apathy is OK for a while. So I haven’t done any job hunt work for five days. I’ve let my house become a shitbox, and I refuse to be embarrassed about it when people come over. So, I sit on the couch and read my neighbor’s travel magazines I’ve borrowed. I cry for no reason and enjoy the break and the tea I make myself afterwards. And, I temper my venerated opinion a little (which may the thing that cued this friend that something was up; “Steve’s not being an asshole, so something is seriously wrong!”)

I also believe you also have to get out of it your self-pitying funk at some point, even if you have to force yourself out. I’m not quite digging myself out yet, but I know that not digging myself sooner or later leaves me with a pretty dumb long-term alternative. I will job hunt some more today. I am having a very tough read-through of a new play of mine at my house this next Sunday. This is forcing me to clean house (something I haven’t done in a long time). I’ve already gotten some feedback, which is scary, but fine.

My soul may not be able to take the job search right now – my hat in my hands and my fate entirely up to dumb luck. But my soul can take a whole heap of artistic criticism about a play I have some control over. Perhaps I am distracting myself from the feeling that I am just peeling off resumes and throwing them into a black hole, after years of being so good at my job and now having to go out there again and beg people to give me the opportunity to re-prove myself yet once again... The few points of light that emerge from the black hole are dim and far away, and again, I have no control or influence and I sit around and panic about shit I can do little about except send more pieces of paper – resumes – into the abyss – like throw petals to the wind.

Anyway, I love this person, and I never meant to scare her. And I felt like shit for being that candid and transparent with her, I realized it was a mistake about ¾ the way in… Because really it’s not that dire and it’s not that important. I can’t take words back once they’re said, I can only explain and hope she understands.

For every “everything will be fine” that mere humans say to me, I want to scream “fine” is just an opinion – life either will or won’t be fine, and we mere mortals have no control over that. For every unsolicited “that sucks” I get from the mere human race, I want to yell that I don’t need more opinions. I don’t care if my attitude sucks, because whether I cut my arms and write angry poetry or fart rainbows and glitter doesn’t seem like it’s going to affect the fucking outcome one way or another. I am sick of caring one way or another – being pessimistic or being positive – trying or giving up – wishing or fretting. I am sick of feeling. I am sick of feeling one way or the other about the whole fucking job situation.

The only thing at this point that could change any or all of this is qualified, unambiguous miracle from on high or an unquestionable act of cruel and tragic fate. Something decisive. Something that says to me without possibility of misinterpretation “you’ll be fine” or “nope, the world sucks and it’s not going to get better.”

Until the world quiets being ambiguous and apathetic, I am simply here to follow its example.

Now, I should probably clean a bit more.

I warned you this was mope-filled and selfish.

Thank you shopping Blog-Mart; Have a Great Day, and I mean that!!!

Wanna Relive College???

Did you ever, back in college, get drunk or do a lot of drugs before going to some boring fucking science or math class? Sure ya did, unless you are David...

Here, put on your earphones and relive the experience!

20 Questions about Theatre

And I made it myself!!! You know the drill – answer back to me and post your own on your bulletin or blog.

1. How many plays have you seen in the last 12 months?
Including the 24 at Fringe, about 38, I think.

2. Which one of these plays you saw was one of your favorites?
Well, I liked a lot of shows, and I personally LOVED A Body of Water (OTP), Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf (Valencia), Glengarry Glen Ross (Mad Cow), Matador (Fringe), and Sweeney Todd (Mad Cow). But my favorite was The Seagull at Mad Cow. I like dramas.


3. How many plays have you been involved with in the last 12 months?
Let’s see, Orlando Vigilante was over a year ago, so Summer Shorts and this play I have being produced in Albuquerque , so just two.

4. Which one of these plays you were involved with was your favorite?
I appreciate the Albuquerque’s opportunities a bit more, but my work there is done…

5. How important is the pre-show music?
I listen to it for creativity and to see what they’re saying about the show, so it’s kinda important to me. (say the man with nearly 1400 CDs)

6. How important is having a well-designed program to you?
Well, I notice if there is no program or if the program is crappy, and I have initial trepidations. However, I’ve had shows still blow me away.

7. What kind of show – even if done impeccably – are you just personally unable to enjoy?
I have trouble with many one-person shows, especially if they seem more like actor therapy.

8. If on a scale from 1 to 5, one is wishy-washy and five is deeply opinionated, where are you?
6+ - I try to be nice, but I am VERY opinionated.

9. If a really talented friend of yours was in a not-so-stellar show, and they came up to you afterwards and asked your opinion, you would say:
I have trouble being dishonest, so I just own up to the fact that my perspective probably sucks: “It wasn’t my cup of tea.” If pressed, I get honest and lose friends. Some. Some stay with me, because they appreciate my forthrightness and they know I have a lot of opinions, which tends to devalue them – law of supply and demand, ya know.

10. If a really talented friend knows they just bombed in a show, what would you say to console him or her?
I just try to empathize, because I’ve been there before.

11. When was the last incident where you watched a show and thought, “I wish I’d thought of that!”?
The drag queen shark costume and Chad Lewis’ “swimming” in JAWZ were neat theatrical tricks I wish I’d come up with.

12. When was the last incident where you went – “Oooo that should never happen onstage!”?
I remember seeing two women go up on their lines and stare at each other panicky for almost a minute (I timed it), and finally the one whispered, “It’s your line!” There’s support and teamwork for ya!

13. Who is someone whom you do not really know, but based on seeing them in a show, you’d like to get to know?
Well, I have a lot, but I was glad to get to know Tim Williams a little before he left for Las Vegas. The others? I am plotting daily to work with them.

14. What’s a theatrical trick you get a kick out of?
I mentioned Chad’s JAWZ swimming – people dressed like ninjas held him while he paddled and kicked. I like things like that, like the forced perspective at the beginning of the musical Hairspray.

15. What do you do if you’re embarrassed for the actors?
I stare at the floor or the curtains. I do!

16. Have you ever cried because of a good show?
Ask David about sitting next to me at Wit with Anne Hering

17. Have you ever laughed so hard at a show, you had trouble breathing or you peed a little?
I got close with Dragness of God and the "bay-bay" in the trash can

18. Have you ever left in the middle of a show?
I used to in Fringe a long time ago, but no, it’s too rude and distracting.

19. Name one production you saw more than once, and state why you went back.
I saw Who’s Afraid… twice at Valencia because it was in a very cool arena set and all the actors took a very naturalistic approach to the acting (not the typical histrionics or broadness I’ve seen with the play). And I love the play, so I wanted to watch it again.

20. What is the next show or project you are excited about?
Well, I’ve mentioned Albuquerque. I also want to get my adaptation of My Antonia polished up for submission to Harriet Lake Festival of New Plays. And I have my absolutel favorite short (7-Second Itch) in Playwrights Roundtable’s 10th Anniversary show in July. And I’m almost through the first draft of a new one-act called Here Be Dragons. I’ve been a writing fool (emphasis on "fool") lately!

Re: Generation

I happen to appreciate this, especially the little sing-out they did on Graham Norton's BBC show, I am posting this. The average age is 78, the "lead" is 90.

New Crowded House Video

Just like them - sweet and a bit quirky and pleasant, and if you actually listen to the lyrics, very insightful. Their "comeback" is more music fans and critics, and it was always going to be that way, I think. So, it's nice to see them stick to the vein that made them.

Quiz from Yo Momma

A Quiz from Yo Momma, I changed a few of the answers to make them more general for here.

1.)Q. Can you cook?
1.)A. Yes, and I am not so bad at it, to my extreme detriment

2.)Q. What was your dream growing up?
2.)A. Since I was eight or nine, playwright

3.)Q. What talent do you wish you had?
3.)A. Playing acoustic guitar

4.)Q. If I bought you a drink what would it be?
4.)A. 7&7

5.)Q. Favorite vegetable?
5.)A. Asparagus!!!

6.)Q. What was the last book you read?
6.)A. I just finished re-reading Suite Francais, which was brilliant - I am sorry it was hidden for 60 years. I am in the middle of Michael Chabon's The Yiddish Policemen's Union - gah, he is talented!

7.)Q. What zodiac sign are you?
7.)A. Aqua-virgitarrius

8.)Q. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
8.)A. Just one tattoo of Ernest Borgnine on my right butt cheek

9.)Q. Worst Habit?
9.)A. Lying about having tattoos

10.)Q. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
10.)A. I'm not really that type of person, sadly

11.)Q. What is your favorite sport?
11.)A. I love the ritual of baseball, but because of where I went to college, I'd say volleyball

12.)Q. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
12.)A. I am a sarcastic optimist

13.)Q. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
13.)A. Sing TV theme songs with rewritten dirty lyrics

14.)Q. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
14.)A. Can't mention it, because it makes people eternally uncomfortable, but the good news is it happened 29 years ago. The people who know me know that it is. Funny, though, I did tell a few people the other week, though, since it has to do with the play I just finished writing.

15.)Q. Tell me one weird fact about you:
15.)A. I wish my friends and I lived in a commune – dead serious

16.)Q. Do you have any pets?
16.)A. One cat -she's very congenial

17.)Q. What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
17.)A. Now that I could handle - I'd probably invite you in, we'd either sit on the couch drinking tea and talking, or I'd set you to watching a DVD while I cooked.

18.)Q. What was your first impression of me?
18.)A. As a mass, you have good taste in blogs you read.

19.)Q. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
19.)A. Both

20.)Q. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
20.)A. Lose weight

21.)Q. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
21.)A. Both

22.)Q. What color eyes do you have?
22.)A. Green – they were once described as the color of oil in a mud puddle

23.)Q. Ever been arrested?
23.)A. Yep, the charges didn't stick, though

24.)Q. Bottle or Draft?
24.)A. Draft!

25.)Q. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
25.)A. Pay some bills

26.)Q. Would you date me?
26.)A. Only if you hit me over the head, because I am so clueless about all this, dead honest.

27.)Q. What 's your favorite bar to hang at?
27.)A. Independent Bar downtown or The Peacock Lounge

28.)Q. Do you believe in ghosts?
28.)A. Kinda sorta

29.)Q. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29.)A. Ahem

30.)Q. Do you swear a lot?
30.)A. Wow, do I!!!

31.)Q. Biggest pet Hate?
31.)A. People purposely embarrassing others in public, like public criticism

32.)Q. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32.)A. Bipedal

33.)Q. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same?
33.)A Sure